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Experiences with Grief
The first time I know I dealt with grief was in 1980 when my great-grandfather died. He was the first person who was close to me to die. I remember being in church after his funeral and we sang Never Grow Old which talks about when we get to heaven, we won’t age and won’t die again. Something about the words in that song hit me and I could not hold back my tears.
Later that year, my baby brother was born and he lived for ten days. I never got to see him while he was alive. I still remember the little white casket at the funeral. I felt a little helpless because I wanted to help my mom feel better, but I did not know what to do.
The next significant time I had to deal with grief was when I was 12-years old and my dog died. He went everywhere with me. I went outside one morning, and he wasn’t there to greet me like he always was. I walked into our backyard and found him lying there. That was very tough for me to lose him.
When I was 20 years old, my maternal grandfather passed away. He and I were very close. His death was very sudden. His birthday was the day before and the family went to lunch with him to celebrate. I had to work and I missed that lunch. The next morning, I walked out to get the newspaper at the end of our driveway, and an ambulance came down our street with the lights on. They stopped and asked if I knew where he lived. I told them how to get there and then ran inside and got my shoes on, jumped in my car and drove over there. When I pulled up, he was lying on the ground outside the house, and they were performing CPR on him. They could not revive him. That was the biggest loss at that point in my life.
A month after my grandfather died, I started dating the woman I would marry. We married in December 1993. Over the years I lost all my grandparents and had to deal with that grief. She also lost her grandparents. I lost jobs I loved. We moved from a place we loved and left dear friends behind in 2003. We had four miscarriages, one early on and then three in a row between our 3rd and 4th children. We had each other to deal with the grief associated with all those things. Then on July 16, 2011, five months after our youngest child was born, my wife died very suddenly and unexpectedly. I just thought I dealt with grief up to that point. And truthfully, I did not deal with the grief of her loss at the time. I jumped into another relationship and delayed my grief.
Just over a year after my wife’s death, I married again. We were married for just over ten years and then we divorced. The grief from losing my first wife was still there, and I had to deal with it while I was dealing with the grief from my divorce. That was when I discovered that even if I tried to put off my grief or run away from it, I would have to deal with it at some point.
My friend, Larry Barber, who I met in 1994 while in seminary had dealt with grief with the loss of his wife and daughter and had become a grief counselor. When my first wife died, he sent me a copy of his book Love Never Dies. I skimmed it but did not read it thoroughly. After my divorce, when I was hit with more grief than I had ever imagined, I picked up his book and read it. Then I read it again. And then I read it again. Having his “coaching” through the book helped me put my grief into perspective and gave me practical ways to deal with it.
Over the years since my wife died, I got several phone calls from someone who had lost their spouse. A common friend we had would give them my number and suggested they talk to someone who had been there. I was able to talk to several people and help give them hope that there was still joy to be had and life to be lived after the death of their spouse. I believe God directed those phone calls to put it on my heart to get some training and help grieving people, not move on from the grief but learn to live with the grief.
That is my story. I look forward to working with you to help you discover the joys that still exist and to moving forward with your life with the grief that you are experiencing.