What to say and not to say to a grieving person

                When someone experiences a significant loss in their lives, knowing what to say can sometimes be difficult. You want to try to say something that will bring comfort and peace to their lives and to try to make sense of the situation. There are many trite expressions that sound good on the surface, but they generally do not have the intended impact of making the griever feel better. In fact, I have talked with several people who have lost loved ones and most of the things people say are just annoying. This is to give you some pointers on what not to say to people who have lost a spouse, and what to say and do.

                Five months after giving birth to our seventh child, my wife suddenly passed away at the age of 41 from a rare condition that most doctors I talked to have never heard of before. I left for work that morning with her seemingly healthy, and within three hours, she was dead. It was a very difficult time for me with all the uncertainty facing my family and me. In the days after, people offered their condolences and wanted to bring comfort and peace to us. A friend of mine who had experienced the death of a spouse warned me that people were going to say things that really didn’t make any sense, but it was their way to try and deal with the situation and they hoped to make what I was dealing with a little easier. (Remember, this was written from the perspective of someone losing a spouse, but insert whatever loss someone is facing in place of “spouse” and the same rules apply.)

                “God has a plan.” I know that God has a purpose. I don’t believe God has every step of our lives planned out and there is no deviating from it. I know that bad things happen to good people. But to put the blame on God was not what I needed to hear. Fortunately, I was grounded enough in my faith where I didn’t begin to see God as a mean old man who caused the bad things that happened. In the beginning of Job, we see the picture of Satan going before God and receiving permission to do bad things to Job. God allowed it, but it wasn’t God’s plan for Job to suffer. Death and suffering were never in God’s plan. James says that God allows trials in our lives to mature us but doesn’t bring bad things because “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17, NIV. Saying “God has a plan” communicates that God is the cause of the pain. If we’re going to put the blame anywhere, we need to focus on Satan as the cause of all the death, pain, sickness and sin in the world.

                “God called him/her home,” or “It was their time to go.” Nowhere in the Bible do you read that God has a set day for all of us to die. Nowhere in the Bible do you read that God has each step of our lives mapped out and it is impossible for us to deviate from it. If that were the case, what a mean God to allow my wife and me to have our child just five months before he “called” her home. The truth is we live in a world where death is a part of it, but there isn’t any support that God is the cause of the death of each person on a particular day at a particular time.

                “God needed him/her more than we did.” Every time I heard this, I wanted to say, “Really? The omnipotent God needed my wife and mother of my seven children more than we did because he came upon a problem that he couldn’t handle? What could he possibly have needed her to do that was more important than being here to help raise these kids?” I know that people said that to try and give some meaning to a situation that didn’t have any good explanation. Saying that God needed someone who obviously had a lot left to do here portrays him again as a mean God who isn’t really concerned with the well-being of the people he says he loves. 

                “God needed another angel.” This one has a lot of the same reasons not to say it as the last one, but beyond that it is theologically incorrect. People do not turn into angels when they die. We are given a place higher than the angels, but do not become angels. God doesn’t need more angels, and if he did, he could create them. I’m pretty sure that God knew in the beginning all the angels he would need and created all of them then.

                “All things work together for good.” It is a biblical truth. Romans 8:28 has it right there in black and white. While it is true, it is something that cannot be seen in the moment. In the years since my wife died, I have seen so many blessings that have come our way. But at the time, I couldn’t see that. All I could see were the overwhelming decisions that needed to be made and the hole in my heart and life that she left. Our kids were homeschooled – what was I going to do about that? My wife handled the finances – how was I going to figure all that out? My wife was a stay-at-home mom – what was I going to do about childcare when I had to go back to work? I could not see how all of this was going to work out for good. All I could see was all the things that were facing me in the present.

"Time heals all wounds." There is no amount of time that will heal the empty space my wife left in my life. As time goes on, I have learned to deal with her not being with me, and I have continued to grow, but the grief is still there. The truth is, I will never be the person I was before my wife died. That is impossible. I had my gall bladder removed in the spring of 2025. The incision has healed, but there is still a scar that will be there for the rest of my life. It hurt a lot at first, but hurt less with the passing of time. Grief is similar. The pain will be intense at first but will eventually not hurt as much, but there will always be a scar.

                “If I were you, I would . . .” I think this is the one that got to me the most. If I’m being honest, I wanted to throat-punch everyone who began their advice with that phrase. The majority of people who gave me advice had never been in my situation. They had never been close to my situation. I know they were trying to help, but unless they have walked in my shoes, they really don’t know what they would do and even then, each situation is totally unique. There was some advice that was needed, but many people were pushing me to move forward before I was ready. Two months after when I was still reeling from all the added responsibility I had, someone told me, “It’s time you step up and be a dad to these kids.” He thought he knew how he would handle the situation, but I still needed to lean on people at that point. I was trying to be there for my kids and provide emotional support to them, but it was still hard for me to be motivated to keep my house clean, get laundry done consistently and do all the things my wife did on a daily basis, while working my full-time job and figuring out how to be both dad and mom to my children. It’s easy to think I would know what I would do if I were faced with the same situation, but I have learned that I have no clue what I would actually do. I needed people to come around me and support me and help until I was ready to really pick up and move forward. Interestingly enough, those who had lost a spouse never began their advice with this phrase.

                “[The deceased] wouldn’t want you to be sad.” Being sad is a part of losing someone you love, especially a spouse. When you tell someone that the spouse wouldn’t want you to be sad, you’re telling the mourner that what they feel is wrong and they need to move on. Basically, you’re telling them to be happy and act like nothing happened. Just looking at that statement, I know that if I died I would want my spouse to be sad. When a spouse dies, you do not only lose the person. You lose the hopes, dreams, and plans that you had made together. Your life is altered in a way no one can understand unless they have been there. Please do not put words in the deceased’s mouth when you really don’t know what they would have said or wanted.

                “They’re in a better place.” Intellectually, if the person was a faithful Christian, we know that they are definitely in a better place, especially if they had been sick before passing. But for the person left behind, the best place for the deceased spouse is right next to them and living the life they had lived. Years later after my wife died, I can get behind that statement a little more. I’m glad she’s in heaven experiencing what she had hoped for and believed in. But in the first few years after she died, that was not the place I wanted her to be. I wanted her with me and with her children. I had people quote Psalm 116:15, “Precious in the sigh of the LORD is the death of his saints.” God may view it as precious, but I wasn’t God. It was impossible for me to have that outlook. The statement is meant to be comforting as we picture them in God’s presence praising and worshiping him, but it does not bring the comfort that is intended. It is just another reminder that the deceased isn’t there.

                “You’re young. You’ll find someone else,” or “Do you think you’ll get married again?” The idea of moving on with someone else is the last thought on the griever’s mind. The griever didn’t lose a pet that can be replaced with a trip to the animal shelter. They lost a life partner, lost the dreams they created together, and lost the idea of growing old with that person. They don’t want to move on. They want what they had, not something new. Especially early on, many will feel even the idea of moving on with another person is a betrayal to the deceased spouse. Some will eventually choose to seek a new relationship. Some may choose to remain widowed. The decision to begin a new relationship is extremely personal and cannot be rushed. The suggestion is viewed as a source of comfort, but can, and often does have the opposite effect. (The equivalent if someone has lost a child is asking them, "Do you think you will try to have more children?")

                Any statement that begins with “At least…” Trust me, nothing you say that follows those words will bring any level of comfort to the grieving spouse. “At least you had them for the years you did.” “At least you still have _______.” No amount of pointing out “silver linings” will make the grieving spouse say, “You know what? You’re right. I shouldn’t be sad they aren’t here any longer because of what I had with them or what I have right now.”                 “I know how you feel.” Unless you are a widow or widower, you do not understand how the person feels. You are comparing apples and oranges. Two months after my wife passed, I had a friend tell me I needed to get my act together and move forward. He said, “I know how you feel. I’ve experienced loss too. My grandmother died two years ago.” While the death of a parent, grandparent, friend, or coworker can be difficult to deal with, it is nothing like losing a spouse. With a spouse, you not only lose the person, you lose your future. All the hopes and dreams the two of you had are suddenly gone and nothing can replace that. You experience loss on two levels. Marriage is a relationship unlike any other and cannot be compared to any other kind of loss.

Don’t dismiss how the griever feels. My wife and I were in a small group which included two other couples who we were very close to. Suddenly, I was the only person in the group who wasn’t married. I saw how the other couples helped each other with their kids when we ate. I’d watch them hold hands during prayers. I’d hear the stories of how their lives were continuing as normal. I felt like I didn’t fit in. I felt like the proverbial fifth wheel. When I decided to be vulnerable and bring up my feelings to my friends, it was met with statements like, “That’s ridiculous!” “We don’t see you that way,” “Nothing has changed for us.” I felt even more on the outside looking in after that. I loved my friends and I knew they loved me. More helpful responses would have been, “What can we do to make you feel more a part of the group?” or even just empathy to understand that while their lives were continuing as normal, mine had been changed in ways they couldn’t understand.

                Those were things that I heard from people after my wife died that I wish they wouldn’t have said. There were people who knew how to respond. Here are some things that you can do for people.

                Don’t try to make sense of the situation. Sometimes there is no explanation, and that is okay. The most comforting words that I heard were along the lines of, “I don’t know why this happened, but we’re going to get through this together.” I knew that I still had a future and that God still had work for me to do and more life to live. To know that I didn’t have to face this alone was comforting. There was no good explanation for why my wife died with seven kids, one who was still breastfeeding. The most comforting words were the ones who didn’t try to come up with some reason but just loved me and let me know I wasn’t going through this alone.

                Help with needs. Many people said, “If there is anything I can do, please let me know.” I sincerely appreciated the offer, but many times I didn’t want to bother people. Most men have trouble asking for help. In the month after my wife died, several people from my church came over and did some renovation in my house that made it more livable for my family. They just came and worked. Several ladies in the homeschool group we belonged to came twice a week, picked up our laundry, took it home and washed it and brought it back clean and folded. We received meals for a month and a half. There were a couple of times when people offered to watch the kids and give me some time to either be alone or go somewhere with other adults to get a break from the house. I appreciated the offers to help, but I appreciated it more when people made specific offers and acted on them. 

                Don’t forget the widow/widower after a couple of months. Yes, life is busy, and it is easy to get wrapped up in everything we have to do. Work, school, family time, church, sports, hobbies all take time. For two months there were people in my house every day. Then it was like someone flipped a switch and no one was there. I had my kids, but I missed the adult companionship. I wanted someone to be there so I wasn’t alone. Even a phone call just to check on how I was doing would have been great. Understand that while your life is busy and continues as normal, the person who lost a spouse is trying desperately to adjust to the new normal that was forced on him/her. That can take months or years, and they need the support of their families and friends.  

                Don’t be afraid to talk about the deceased spouse. At first people just gushed about what a wonderful person my wife was. They told the kids stories and helped them get to know their mom better by seeing her through someone else’s eyes. But after the funeral, that stopped. People would mention her and many would say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry! I know that must be hard for you to hear.” It wasn’t! I wanted to continue to hear the stories and get to know my wife better even though she was no longer with us. To me, the avoidance of talking about her made me miss her even more.

                Let people grieve on their own terms and in their own time. Sadness is often viewed as something to be avoided or to be gotten over as quickly as possible. It often makes people uncomfortable for someone to be sad. But sadness is a part of the grieving process. Someone may cry more than you think is acceptable. Someone may not ever cry. There is no one way to grieve and to try to impose a timeline on the grief process is impossible. The best thing to do is walk through grief with them. If after a long period of time there is no progress toward healing, a gentle nudge to seek professional counseling or a grief support group would be acceptable. But don’t expect someone to put their grief behind them after only a couple of months and move forward with their life as though nothing had happened. Recognize there will be periods of sadness even years later, especially around the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc., and it is okay for the grieving spouse to be sad.

                It is difficult to know what to say to someone who has lost a spouse, especially if that spouse was young and has young kids. Hug them a lot and let them know they are not walking through this alone. Meet their needs. Love them. Allow them to grieve in their way. Walk alongside them in their grief journey.